October/ November 2007
My heart felt as heavy as a lead weight when i left the hospital that day. I tried to remain strong but the tears were flowing. On the journey home i was worried about how i was going to break the news to my husband that i was going back into hospital. Our relationship was already under immense strain and the guilt of me being so ill and away from home was consuming. During the five years that we had been together he had always more than enjoyed an evening out drinking and gambling but during the last seven months it had progressively got worse. He often arrived at my bedside smelling of alcohol and “in a world of his own”. Deep down i knew that me going back into hospital would be the final straw.
On arriving home i was exhausted both physically and mentally, i asked my mum to fetch me some clean pajamas out of my room so that i could try to relax and get more comfortable. After a good ten minutes my mum came to me and told me that she had discovered something in my room and that i should take a seat in the living room so that she could explain. I walked into the living room to find my mum setting rows and rows of empty liquor bottles on the floor, Vodka, Whiskey, Rum and so the list went on. In her search for my pajamas she had tripped on something sticking out from under the bed and on investigation she found all of the empty bottles, instantly it hit me like a ton of bricks that my husband was in fact fighting a losing battle with alcohol addiction. How could i be so blind not to see what was happening? How could i leave to go into hospital? How could i help him when i was fighting my own horrendous battle?
Moments later he arrived home from work and walked into a room filled with at least 25 empty litre bottles. His face had a blank expression as i went on to ask him why he had been drinking so much and when it had all started but even with the evidence in front of him he refused to admit he had a problem. That evening i sat for hours trying to talk to him but no matter what i said or did he just remained distant and unwilling to admit to any problem. I went to bed where i would spend the night crying and going through the days events over and over again, id had enough of life and trying to fight against what felt like an invisible force that was trying to break me and my family down.
The following day i called my husbands friend and asked him to pop by, when he arrived i sat down with him and explained everything that had happened the previous day in the hope that he would talk to him and to try and get through to him so that we could help him. They both went out in his friends car for a drive and after three hours of nothing i got a phone call from my husband admitting that he was an alcoholic and needed help, i was so relieved to hear him say that he had a problem because now we could work together and get him the help he needed.
When he arrived home i tried to comfort him and let him know that he wasn’t alone, my mum told him that she would go to the doctors with him and support him but he needed to understand that i would need to go back into hospital just 36 hours later. He agreed to this as he knew i needed help and desperately wanted me to get better.
The Monday morning soon arrived and we gathered my things for my stay in hospital. I was very self conscious of the way that i looked and so decided that i would wear my wig and i would attempt to keep it on and look as “normal” as possible. When i arrived on the ward i was lead to a bay with five other ladies in. They were older ladies but all seemed very nice, as i sat on my bed they all said hello. I could see that they were thinking of what could possibly be wrong with me and months later they admitted that they thought i had some form of cancer.The nurse came to book me in and i told my mum and husband to leave and get some rest and that i would be fine, my mother in law was on her way to our house to speak to them and so that he could explain to her what was going on. The next few days were really hard, it was hard enough being torn away from home and my family but the added stress and worry of my husband was beginning to get too much.
I had a visit off my surgeon who told me that she didn’t want to operate on me again as the risks were just too high and she truly believed that the route to making me better was to get me started on a biologic like Humira or Infliximab, but of course as anyone with the smallest bit of knowledge of hospitals and hierarchy knows the medics and surgeons did not agree and the really ironic thing was that my GI wanted me to have surgery and my surgeon wanted me to have medicine!! I would sadly spend the next few weeks lying in a hospital bed while the teams of consultants and doctors would fight over ” what was best for me”.
On the Eighth day of my hospital stay my mum arrived alone at visiting time. I instantly knew that something wasn’t right and begged of her to tell me, she called a nurse over that unknowingly to me she had been speaking to throughout the day. They both sat at my bedside and told me that a few hours earlier my husband had been taken into hospital, i was not to worry as he was ok and was getting the help that he needed. My mum then broke the news to me that she had found him that morning with a large amount of empty tablet boxes and empty bottles of liquor. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest as i began to sob. I really cant put into words how i felt that day, an emotional wreck was an understatement and the guilt that i felt lay heavily on me, If only i hadn’t become ill……. If only i had noticed all the signs earlier……. If only i had never met him and put him through this whole ordeal……………..
This has been the hardest post so far for me to write, trying to put into words how stressed, angry and upset i was hasnt been easy. I know that this post is not so much about my life with crohns disease but it was and still is a huge part of my journey and making me the person i am today. Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog, as always all questions and comments are welcome and i hope you continue to follow my blog on my journey with crohns.
Keep Well Guys,
Much Love Georgie xxxx