I felt like i was in a vicious circle, i needed to eat and manage to sustain myself without TPN so that i could go home but as soon as i ate my fistulas would work overtime, this in turn led to my bags leaking and causing me horrific pain as i lay for hours and hours whilst trying to get the wound management and stoma bags to stay. I was feeling really low and i wasn’t sure how to get around this next lot of obstacles.
I was heading into my fifth month in hospital and beginning to wonder if i was ever going to get out of there. It was a Sunday morning and i was lay on my bed with my TV on, i never really watched it through the day but always had it on to help to block out the constant noise on the ward. There was a male Vicar that i had seen quite regularly visiting people on the ward but id only ever said hello as he passed by my door. Today was different, as he made his way up the corridor i decided to ask him into my room. Id never been a religious person but since losing Dad and becoming married i had started to attend my local protestant church. I still don’t know if i really “Believe” but i do hope that there is something more out there other than this evil earth im currently living on and of course i hoped that one day my Mum and Dad would reunite whether it be in heaven or some other Magical, calm and loving place. This isn’t the part of my blog where i preach to you telling you that God is great and everything is wonderful because i cant do that but for me the church, well in fact this Vicar called John was. He sat and talked to me for quite sometime never once mentioning the Bible or God or anything religious he was just an outsider who could give me his views and opinions on things and offer me comfort, i found this to be a great help as when i was really down i would only need to call on John and he was there. There were many times to come on my journey where i would turn to John for support and if nothing else i had made a fantastic friend for life.
The days were so long in the hospital, well everyday felt the same, the days had turned into weeks which quickly became months that had all molded into one, of course there are certain days and dates that i will never forget but for the most it was the same routine everyday. I was doing well with my eating and had gained a couple of pounds, i was still on TPN but my surgeon hoped that in the coming weeks i would gradually have the feed reduced. I was managing to get out of bed and walk around my little room, everyday i was beginning to get more steady on my feet but the constant bag changes were getting me down. I was trying different bags and techniques with the nurses to try and find a way to make the bags stay, it was just trial and error but i hoped i could over come this as i had only seven weeks until my Best friends wedding and even with all the odds against me i was going to make it to that church.
The night time in hospital was always worse, i suppose most places are worse in the dark but laying there listening to people shouting out in pain or crying for family was truly horrific. There was one night in particular that with stay with me for the rest of my days. There was a very poorly man in the bay next to my room i had asked the nurses how old he was and they told me he was in his forty’s of course they couldn’t go into any details but with my room being so close to the nurses station i couldn’t help but over hear things that were being said, this gentleman had general surgery that for the majority of people would be routine but it hadn’t gone well for him and he was in fact losing his battle for life. It was 4am and i was lying with my TV on the news station, i didn’t have the volume on because of disturbing people but i liked the light that lit up the room, it made me feel a little more safe, comfortable. On to the ward came a lady and two girls who i presumed to be the gentleman’s family, i heard some talking and a lot of crying, it was awful lay there knowing that someone only feet away was fighting for his life, his family were quite understandably very upset. I couldn’t help but lay there and cry it had only been a couple of weeks ago that i was fighting that same fight and my family praying for me to get through, sadly this gentleman lost his fight and passed away at 5am with his family and John the Vicar by his bedside. There’s nothing that can quite prepare you for that feeling when you see a fellow patients family leaving there bedside after they have passed on. Of course i didn’t know this gentleman i didn’t even know his name, but i felt overwhelming sadness and sorrow. The nurses were fantastic with the family and also in giving this man respect and dignity, there was a vase of flowers that always sat behind the nurses station, this was the vase and Bible that would be placed at this mans bedside. It was awful to know that every time those flowers were picked up and carried away they were going to some persons bedside who had passed away, my room doors would be closed for five minutes as the porters came to remove the body. The nurses did this to try and make it less harsh and upsetting to other patients but sadly after nearly five months it was something that i would regularly see.
This all had a terrible effect on my mental well-being i would try my very best to not get effected by these events but that’s easier said than done especially being so ill and mentally drained for so long. After that particular nights events i began to cry a lot and feel more scared than i ever had before, the nurses became increasingly worried about me and requested for me to have a counselor to talk to, i agreed. My body was physically showing signs of improvement, all be it very small it was in the right direction but my mental health was beginning to deteriorate………….
A particularly hard post to write. Sorry for the depressing parts of the blog but as always i want to share not only the good parts of my journey but also the very sad parts that all have a place in my story. I promise the next blog will be more uplifting, thank you all for taking the time to read and your on going support it means everything to me.
Keep Well Guys, All My Love, Georgie xxxx